Supply chain issue results in shortage of cans of whoop-ass
TORONTO – Supply chain issues are leaving customers high and dry as an unexpected shortage of cans of whoop-ass grips the nation. Amidst lingering pandemic related delays and the rising cos…
Danielle Smith mandates that Alberta students must have at least 2 infectious diseases at all times
EDMONTON – Alberta Premier Danielle Smith has carried on her government’s fight against the fight against COVID by mandating that all Alberta students come to school with at least 2 i…
Serial killer refuses to murder again unless Netflix renegotiates contract
HAMILTON, ON – Local serial killer David Mark Thompson has announced an immediate work stoppage pending a more favourable contract from Netflix, Inc., producers of the popular true-crime se…
“Toronto is the most multicultural city in the world,” brags unicultural man to unicultural friends
TORONTO – Local white man Aaron Burton recently talked with his group of entirely white friends about how great it was to live in a city with so much diversity. “Multiculturalism is w…
Historians unearth the pagan roots of Cyber Monday, reveal its origin in the ancient festival of CompuServehain
CAMBRIDGE – Historians studying ancient documents from the dawn of the information age have recently discovered that the holiday known today as Cyber Monday can be traced all the way back t…
Doug Ford extends Black Friday Sale on greenbelt land
QUEEN’S PARK – Premier Doug Ford announced he is extending his government’s Black Friday Greenbelt Land Sale, allowing real estate moguls and elite donors to purchase only-recently developa…
French language activists say government can give Tylenol with American packaging to children if they can read their temperature in French
QUEBEC CITY – With Canada experiencing an extreme shortage of children’s Tylenol owing to a lack of mandatory bilingual packaging, French language activists announced they would be willing …
Slide-whistle virtuoso longs to play Rachmaninoff instead of accompanying prank videos
TORONTO — Martin Peck, the world’s foremost slide-whistle virtuoso, expressed his frustration at only being hired to accompany prank videos. “The slide-whistle is my instrument and my art,” Peck …
“The Freedom Convoy Protest wasn’t an emergency,” says man who doesn’t live in Ottawa
Kamloops, BC – Local man Mark Howerston is confident the Freedom Convoy occupation of Ottawa was not enough of an emergency to justify the Trudeau government’s use of the Emergencies …
“Fair Enough,” says boyfriend definitely listening
WHITBY, ON – “Fair Enough,” responded local boyfriend Shaun Wright, after noticing a pause in his girlfriend’s mumblings, which he assumed to be the end of her story. The exchange too…
