Avatar sequel somehow already biggest flop of all time
HOLLYWOOD — Avatar: The Way of Water, the latest blockbuster from director James Cameron, has been named the biggest financial flop of all time. It will be released later this week. The Avatar …
FIFA announces losing World Cup teams have to take a stadium home with them
QATAR – As the World Cup enters its final phase, FIFA and Qatar have issued a joint statement that the last 7 teams knocked out of the tournament will be required to take the stadium in whi…
Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Future quit rather than take assignment to visit Elon Musk
THE ETHEREAL PLANE – The magical spirits who normally visit rich monsters on Christmas Eve in order to get them to become caring human beings have all resigned from their positions after th…
Premiers demand more healthcare funding to spend on fuck you, that’s what
WINNIPEG – A recent meeting of Canada’s Premiers has seen the provincial leaders urgently request that Prime Minister Trudeau provide increased healthcare funding, to be spent on none of yo…
Beavfeed: Top five local spots to huddle during thunderstorms
Every downtown pedestrian knows what it feels like to get caught in the rain without an umbrella. With so many options available, we’ve narrowed down the best retail doorways to huddle in, so you…
YouTube announces it has radicalised its ten millionth child
SAN BRUNO, CA — Celebrations erupted today at YouTube’s headquarters, marking the major milestone of the video sharing site successfully radicalising its ten millionth child. “We couldn’t be prou…
It happened to me: Be Real and my grandma’s life alert went off at the same time
By Cheri O’Toole Earlier this year, we got my aging grandmother a medical alert device to give us peace of mind and to give her shut of mouth, but another time sensitive program was rising in pop…
Great news! With falling prices and soaring rates, homes now just as expensive as they were before but in a different way!
OTTAWA – Struggling home buyers rejoice! After years of an impossibly expensive real estate market, it looks like home prices are finally starting to fall due to the increased costs of borr…
Success of Spotify Wrapped leads to controversial PornHub Rectumspective
MONTREAL — Following the footsteps of Spotify’s Wrapped feature, PornHub has released “PornHub Rectumspective”, allowing users to view and share data on all their explicit viewing hab…
Middle Finger named “Official Bird” of Ontario highways
BARRIE – In the wake of a population boom, the Province of Ontario is proud to announce that the middle finger has been tapped as the “Official Bird” of their roadways. “For years, you cou…
