If you were a child in the 90s who spent a lot of time watching television (so basically 100% of children in the 90s), you probably still remember that feeling when Ninja Turtles, Reboot or Road To Avonlea would go to commercial and a message from Concerned Children’s Advertisers would play. And while some were enjoyable little romps featuring a House Hippo that would go on to make a great t-shirt, others were so horrifying that you still think of them when you’re alone in the dark even though you are now nearly at the halfway point in your life. Check out our top 5 list of the scariest ones to re-awaken your trauma.
5. Don’t You Put It In Your Mouth
There is nothing particularly scary about the concept of puppets singing about the dangers of putting things in your mouth if you don’t know they are safe. And the song was actually pretty catchy. Unfortunately the puppets the costume and/or props department elected to “sing” this little ditty happened to be two demons from the 7th circle of hell who looked like they wanted you to avoid ingesting harmful materials so that your soul would remain pure when they stole it and absconded back to Hades. It’s no wonder you worry about where these puppets are today more than you worry about how you’re going to pay for your kid’s University tuition.
Kids need exercise just like you do. And when they do it they don’t need to stretch for 45 minutes to avoid pulling a muscle in their back and being laid up for 2 weeks at a time. Fortunately the Concerned Children’s Advertisers were here to encourage kids to get up and move with this fun ad that shows a child removing his entire head and dancing like some kind of more demonic Headless Horseman. Also the kid is Henry from The Last Of Us so now your dreams are going to be about the scene where he kills his brother, only now he has no head. You’re welcome!
3. Brain On Drugs
Lots of countries had a ‘this is your brain on drugs’ commercial. But only The Great White North thought to feature a silky voiced woman praising the ‘technology’ of your brain while clippers brought the whole wiring system to a fiery demise. Try not to think of it next time you get a night to yourself and decide to smoke half a joint before watching a British police drama. Bet you can’t!
2. I Am Astar
We’re cheating because this was made by War Amps not Concerned Children’s Advertisers. But you know who doesn’t care about that? Your subconscious when it decides that, rather than dream about getting promoted at work or breaking 80 at the golf course, you’d like to see an acrobatic robot flip and twist through some gears before getting its arm sawed right off. Remember: you can’t get your arms put back on, and the confidence and daring you had as a youth is long gone as well.
1. Hip Choice (AKA: Drug Puppet Needle Hands)
We started with puppets and we’re ending with puppets. Because it turns out the only thing creepier than a puppet with intense eyes singing about not eating food off the ground is a puppet with bloodshot eyes (and bloodshot eyelids somehow?) talking in soft tones over a jazz beat while offering a truly impressive array of drugs to the two ugliest children we’ve ever seen. So if you’re feeling ashamed that, at nearly 40 years old, you are still scared by a puppet with some fake needles going through his hands, don’t be. This one is legitimately more terrifying than any horror movie you could stream on Netflix.