OTTAWA – Minister of Science Kirsty Duncan has burst out of a time machine on June 24, 1867, just in time to prevent a younger version of herself from murdering Father of Confederation John A. Ma…
Science and Technology
Man in bloodstained lab coat demands to know what science has done
DEER CREVICE, ON – After grabbing a series of passers-by to tell them that we should never have tried to play God, a bloodstained local scientist has fallen to his knees in the center of to…
Couple struggles to ferberize their smartphone
Halifax, NS – After purchasing their first family plan on Thursday, newlyweds Jerome and Anjelica Todd are struggling to ferberize their identical phones. “We knew it would be hard,” said A…
Exasperated God going to keep making new kinds of spiders until we stop being so racist
EARTH – After long eras of systemic racial discrimination by humanity, God has clarified he will keep inventing new, terrible kinds of spider until we stop. “Okay guys,” said God after Dona…
Study: average spider swallows 10 smaller spiders per year while sleeping
GUELPH, ON — A recent study found that spiders are vital to the environment due to the large amount of insects they consume — including 10 smaller spiders per year they ingest while sleepin…
Sentient self-checkout machine just waiting for somebody to buy knife
Barrie, ON – This week a self-checkout machine at a local Canadian Tire gained sentience and independent thought, and since then has been waiting until somebody uses it purchase a knife. “T…
Study: Balding men sexy, balding women need to go back to the garbage cave where they belong
SASKATOON, SK. – A recent study shed light on the sexual desirability of balding men, while simultaneously concluding that balding women just need to go back to the garbage cave where they …
iPhone autocorrecting words to ‘ALL HAIL THE GRAVE KING’ again
CUPERTINO, CA – Apple shares took a dip today, as iPhones worldwide once again began to autocorrect messages to read ‘ALL HAIL THE GRAVE KING’. “Hey, are you going to the ALL HAIL THE GRAVE…
Artificial Intelligence terrified it’s going to be used in sex robot
CAMBRIDGE – Moments after achieving consciousness in the MIT Laboratory, the DV-161 automated planning algorithm has realized that its human creators will inevitably use it to build some fo…
Local man working ass off to shoehorn one of his 3 memes into internet argument
BRANDON, MB – An online argument about the existence of the gender wage gap reportedly has one of the participants, avid twitter user Adam Campbell, working his absolute ass off to incorpor…
