By: The Editorial Staff of The Beaverton Dear Elon Musk: We, the Editorial Staff at The Beaverton – Canada’s Premier News Satire Website and Crayon Manufacturer – have recently learned of your of…
Editorial
All that stuff in the Harry Potter books wouldn’t have happened if the teachers had guns
Editorial by Larry Beaton For a month now people have been mocking President Trump, just because he had the audacity to suggest that our children would be safer in school if teachers were armed. …
Deep down, you always knew it was going to come to this
By: Doug Ford Did you expect anything else? In your heart of hearts, in the place where your greatest hopes and darkest fears reside, in that netherworld between sleep and nightmare at which poss…
Just a heads up to treat your adopted cousins the same as your normal cousins
By: Aunt Pam Greetings Tompkins Family! I know there’s no big gathering coming any time soon but I felt compelled to write to you all to remind you of something that’s been bothering me for a whi…
2018 Budget mentioning the word ‘the’ 6,490 times shows Trudeau is pandering hard to the definite article
By Larry Hardy Canadians heard quite a bit from Finance Minister Bill Morneau’s 2018 Budget that had few surprises from a government that panders to specific groups, but none is more telling than…
Bitcoin is a dangerous bubble, unlike the safe, secure bubble of Toronto real estate
BY: STEVEN SANDERS, Toronto homeowner The short sighted, short term investing that has led to bitcoin value rapidly rising is bad for the economy, and I know a bunch about money because my Toront…
Told you so: How the minimum wage hike sank my Tiki-themed casket store
Well, here we are, just weeks into Kathleen Wynne’s small business killing minimum wage hike fiasco, and just as I predicted, my Tiki-themed casket store is closing its doors for good. Right from…
Toronto’s homeless are probably fine now that it’s only -10 out, right?
BY: HANK LANGMIRE This past week I was shocked and disgusted after reading about how the city totally failed to provide our homeless with adequate shelter from the extreme cold. It was shameful, …
Please stop offering me the “Pee Tape”
EDITORIAL by Robert Mueller, former FBI Director As special counsel for the Department of Justice, I’m aware that the details of my investigation into the Trump campaign are vague. The ver…
Help! A tall, bald man appears in my house every time I mop the floor
You’re not going to believe this, and I’m scared to even admit it, but every time I mop my kitchen floor, a hairless man with an earring, dressed entirely in white. I first noticed three months a…
