OTTAWA—Health Canada has released new guidelines emphasizing the importance of consuming no more than 2 alcoholic units per day, but only if you haven’t had more than that, because if you have, t…
National
CBC fulfills mandate to produce distinctly Canadian wage gap
OTTAWA – Data released this week in response to a freedom of information request made by a University of Ottawa academic shows that female CBC presenters make 9% less than their male counte…
Provincial boundaries renamed ‘Canada-US border’ to make it easier for Canadians to transport liquor
OTTAWA – After Canada’s highest court reaffirmed the rights of provinces to impose fines and confiscate liquor that crosses provincial boundaries, the federal government will rename all pro…
Leather-clad Alberta Marauders threaten to storm BC unless they approve pipeline within 24 hours
VICTORIA – A motley crew of Alberta pipeline crusaders is threatening a full scale war with British Columbia unless they promptly approve safe passage for their precious diluted bitumen. Th…
Protesters as shocked as you are that they actually managed to halt Trans Mountain Pipeline
BURNABY, BC – Surprise washed over protesters on Sunday as oil conglomerate Kinder Morgan announced that construction of the Trans Mountain Pipeline had suddenly come to a stop. “Seriously?…
Liberals backtrack on their promise to only backtrack on 50% of their promises
OTTAWA – Justin Trudeau’s Liberal Party continues to find the reality of governing more difficult than making campaign promises. After electoral reform and environmental protection they are…
Barrick Gold entombs fifty foreign miners in Peter Munk’s pyramid so he’ll have workers to abuse in afterlife
TORONTO – Deceased Barrick Gold founder and philanthropist Peter Munk will be laid to rest this week in his family’s pyramid along with fifty still-living miners so he can always have someo…
Bank of Canada introduces first vertical bill after employee forgets to select ‘Landscape mode’
OTTAWA – The Bank of Canada was forced to submit into circulation a vertical $10 bill after a worker at the Canadian Bank Note Company failed to select ‘Landscape mode’ from the print…
New Brunswick Tourism Ad
Watch this exclusive clip from The Beaverton.…
Canadians tacitly accept ‘Rim’ and ‘Win’ as a rhyme for 32nd year in a row
HAMILTON – Remaining willfully blind to proper poetic structure in order to maintain a chance at winning a free coffee, Tim Hortons customers across Canada participated in Roll Up The Rim T…
