OTTAWA—Health Canada has released new guidelines emphasizing the importance of consuming no more than 2 alcoholic units per day, but only if you haven’t had more than that, because if you have, then hey, what can you do.
“Canadians should remember that keeping their drinking moderate is an important part of maintaining overall health and is necessary for avoiding liver problems,” Dr. Harry Edo told reporters in anticipation of the guidelines rollout. “But hey, if you have a buzz on, then you might as well keep it going.”
“Especially if you had a lot of bread at dinner—that’ll most likely soak up the booze before it gets to your liver,” Dr. Edo clarified.
The report, “Healthy Choices for Canadians”, lists harmful effects overconsumption can have on the body, such as heart disease and increased rates of cancer, and therefore makes it clear Canadians should never have more than two drinks unless they are celebrating something, upset about something, at an open bar wedding, at an open bar baby shower, or have a friend in from out of town. Also Caesars don’t count, obviously.
It also breaks down recommendations by age, gender and body mass index. Generally, women should avoid drinking more than eight units per week, “Unless know you’re going to have to run a lot at your sister’s dumbass 5k on the weekend, in which case you can probably go ahead and stretch that to, I dunno, 11?”
“Yeah, that’s probably fine,” the report states.
“Also, when making decisions about how much alcohol to consume and when,” Dr. Edo told reporters, “there are important questions you should ask yourself, such as, ‘remember your 20th birthday? Remember how happy and hopeful you were? Wouldn’t it be nice to feel that way again?’”
Dr. Edo then advised Canadians that, medically speaking, hangovers are the body’s very natural way of ridding toxins, and also can easily be defeated with a little hair of the dog.