VICTORIA – A motley crew of Alberta pipeline crusaders is threatening a full scale war with British Columbia unless they promptly approve safe passage for their precious diluted bitumen.
The two dozen or so pipeline warriors appeared on the BC Legislature lawn driving custom built motorcycles, doombuggies armed with menacing spikes, and F-150 pickup trucks with bumper stickers proclaiming ‘I Heart Alberta Beef.’
“Greetings from the Lord Notley, the Warrior of the Oilsand-Wasteland!” shouted the gang crier.
“I am disappointed in my fellow NDP members,” roared Lord Notley from a megaphone. “Your puny plan to delay the construction of Trans Mountain with court delays over jurisdiction is laughable. Your bicycles and electric vehicles are no match for our mighty gasoline and diesel engines! You won’t be so environmentally-friendly once I increase your gas prices to $2 per litre!”
As a demonstration, Lord Notley took a bottle of moderately priced Okanagan-valley Cabernet Sauvignon and crushed the bottle with her bare hand, horrifying many onlookers hiding in the Legislature building.
“And to show you that we’re serious,” added Lord Notley pointing at Jason Kenney wearing tight, assless chaps, “I’ve made Kenney here a bitch to socialism! He now approves direct public spending on a pipeline!”
Lord Notley paused for dramatic effect, adjusting her feathered shoulder pad.
“Remember, it’s in the national interest…you have 24 hours to get out of the way of Kinder Morgan.”
BC’s only response to the threat was Feral Kid Elizabeth May throwing a locally-made boomerang at the Alberta Marauders that disintegrated the moment it was thrown.