WINKLER, MB – Already half an hour away from home, local arsonist Cole Agassi has remembered that he may have accidentally left the stove off. “Ok, so, I know I kicked through the screen do…
Local
Couple at housewarming party successfully pretend they aren’t praying for housing bubble crash
TORONTO — Young married couple Travis and Jessica Kirkman report managing to hide their secret desire for a Toronto housing market implosion from the home-owning guests at a recent housewar…
Couple that recently had a baby just wants to know how you’re doing
Sudbury, ON – Uninterested in discussing the minutia or any detail whatsoever of their recent newborn, local couple Christine and Elias Monroe have asked several probing questions about your life…
NYPD shutters homicide division after realizing nosy old ladies have better clearance rates
NEW YORK – The New York City Police Department shut down their homicide division today after an exhaustive overview of clearance rates proves murders investigated by inquisitive spinsters a…
Axe throwing escape room gastropub dodgeball event ends in tragedy
VANCOUVER – A new business designed to combine the trends of axe throwing, escape rooms, adult dodgeball, and unique dining experience has closed on its first day after the deaths of 438 patrons.…
Local white man releases list of legit ethnic restaurants
TORONTO, ON – This week, local white man Chris Smith released a list of “legit” ethnic restaurants, leaving many Caucasian men scrambling to make dinner plans with their squash partners. Sm…
Local woman’s overflowing junk drawer threatens to engulf entire town
Salmon Springs, BC – The Canadian Forces have been called out to mitigate the disaster that struck Salmon Springs BC after Lucy Gerhardt opened her junk drawer this morning. “I’ll get…
Local man still unaware late night TV hosts are powerless to prevent authoritarian takeover
PORTLAND, OR – After basking in the righteousness of another blistering monologue by Stephen Colbert, local liberal Moe Shuster remained blissfully unaware that comedic barbs will do nothin…
Bachelorette party holds winery hostage for 45 minutes
PICTON, ON – An inebriated stand-off lasted for almost an hour between eight heavily heeled women, and about 20 innocent patrons and staff at Red Sail Winery. “Pass the bubbly, bitches!” ye…
Amateur photographer announces plans to waste even more money
Kingston, ON – Local dentist Todd Holmes announced his plans to spend even more money on his completely lacklustre photography hobby. “Last year I probably spent over $10,000 on gear …
