NYPD shutters homicide division after realizing nosy old ladies have better clearance rates - The Beaverton
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NYPD shutters homicide division after realizing nosy old ladies have better clearance rates

NEW YORK – The New York City Police Department shut down their homicide division today after an exhaustive overview of clearance rates proves murders investigated by inquisitive spinsters are three times more likely to be solved than cases investigated by the police.

“These old broads who have no law enforcement training are just better at this than we are,” Detective Abe Conners said while cleaning out his desk to make way for Dorothy Penderson (76), a retired second grade teacher and the woman who single handedly solved the notorious Lung Bandit killings between her Monday and Wednesday night book clubs.

“I wouldn’t believe it myself if not for the time I was five weeks into a serial case, no leads, no hope of solving it, when my Aunt Agnes, an eclectic and plucky mystery writer, came by to drop off some lemon squares. Solved the case in two minutes. Saved a lot of lives. Terrible lemon squares, though.”

The new squad will consist of ten elderly ladies, several strapping 20-something uniformed officers to chauffer them around and apprehend suspects after they’ve been cleverly tricked into confessing, and Tucker, a lively older gentleman who will flirt with the ladies in an innocent yet invigorating manner. These women are expected to do the work of hundreds of detectives, all without drawing a salary.

“Oh, I really couldn’t accept money for this,” part-time librarian Inez Del Toro (63) said, coming off the successful unmasking of the Riverside Butcher and rescue of a kidnapped senator. “It’s just something to pass the time when my nephew doesn’t need me to babysit.”

“It’s been such a trial for him since his wife left him with nothing but that smeared Dear John letter…” she said, absentmindedly looking at the framed photo of her nephew and his business partners on her desk before whispering “the ink stains,” grabbing her cane, and rushing away.

Taking a cue from New York City, cities all over the world are looking for ways to improve their own murder clearance stats, replacing their police forces with bored aristocrats, precocious preteens, and genius private investigators who can solve any mystery except the greatest one of all, the human heart.

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