Napanee, ON —Despite a concerted attempt to summon helpful memories, and numerous prompting questions from family and friends, local mom Diane Peters is unable to recall the title, artist or era …
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Mum just called to say hi, tell you Uncle Jay died
WINNIPEG — What appeared to be a routine catch-up call took a dark turn when your mother, Moya Fitzpatrick, 65, casually informed you that your uncle Jason had passed away. “She didn’t even…
Report: Large protein whey container clearly compensating
PENTICTON, BC – Early reports indicate that a bulky 5 lbs container of protein whey is clearly compensating. While appearing to be powerful and tough, those close to the Optimum Nutrition 1…
Local man knows exactly how he would get down from that roof if he needed to
Milton, ON – Earlier this week, local software engineer Dave Winchester triumphantly confirmed in his own mind how he would safely get down from a three story building. While attending a Die Hard…
Local woman aroused by telling people she’s off dairy
MONTREAL – Local woman Sara Cloutier’s decision to spread the word about cutting dairy products from her diet produced an unexpected but pleasurable sensation in her body over the weekend. When r…
Environmentally conscious daredevil risks it all by purchasing one fewer grocery bag
KINGSTON — Stunning fellow customers and cashiers alike with his nerves of steel, local adrenaline junkie Todd Foster struck a blow for the environment this Thursday by only asking for 4 gr…
Local woman in $108 Roots sweatpants, ‘I look homeless’
BARRIE, ON – Sporting a carefully constructed hair-bun aimed at looking effortless and a new pair of Roots sweatpants that cost $108, Alyssa Kruse bemoaned that she looked homeless. Kruse explain…
Jack-of-all-trades unemployable in most trades
TIMMINS, ON – Self-proclaimed “Jack-of-all-trades” Harvey Koppel has been unemployed for the last 18 months after finding that his broad-ranging skills did not translate to the workforce. K…
Parents told their baby ‘looks just like them’ mistakenly interpret that as a compliment
Stratford, ON – Local couple Malorie Lester and Richard Finkel are under the woefully inaccurate impressions that their friends and family were being positive when they told them their new …
Local man furious after missing child alert momentarily disrupts parade of vapid internet bullshit
Yarker, ON – This week, the Ontario cellular emergency alert system went off to the great annoyance of Peter Jenkins, who suffered a brief interruption in the stupid shit he does on the int…
