Local woman in $108 Roots sweatpants, ‘I look homeless' - The Beaverton
https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Roots_store_in_Yorkdale_Mall.jpg

Local woman in $108 Roots sweatpants, ‘I look homeless’

BARRIE, ON – Sporting a carefully constructed hair-bun aimed at looking effortless and a new pair of sweatpants that cost $108, Alyssa Kruse bemoaned that she looked .

Kruse explained that she had a mere 40 minutes to throw a look together before going out. Reportedly, Kruse had spent 23 of her 40 minutes applying makeup that makes her look like she’s not wearing any makeup.

Kruse had cobbled together her “homeless” look to meet with her friend to buy expensive ripped, pre-dirtied jeans.

When asked if she would consider thrift shopping, Kruse clarified there’s a difference between looking poor and actually being poor.

“I just hope no one drops change into my venti macchiato,” Kruse cackled.

Among Kruse’s other often employed hyperbolic statements are “I’m so busy I literally haven’t slept in 12 days” and “I’m so stressed that I haven’t eaten in an millenia.”

“I want everyone to assume I’m positively consumed by obligations much more important than grooming,” Kruse mediated. “It’s very taxing to devote all of my time pretending I don’t have any time.”

At press time, Kruse was seen rummaging in her bag for the keys to her Tesla.

Want more satire in your life? Check out the Beaverton Podcast!