HAMILTON, ON – As she doubled over in laughter, hand still clutching her iPhone, Ashley Zucker, wiped a single tear from her eye. An image based meme had managed to temporarily relieve her …
Local
Girl celebrating Father’s Day by dismantling the patriarchy
KITCHENER, ON — Following a lengthy deliberation process, Julia Trent, 15, has officially announced that she is celebrating Father’s Day this year by dismantling the patriarchy. “At first I…
Local man chooses to eat pizza crust-first like he’s some kind of ascetic monk
Kingston, ON – Displaying saint-like patience in the face of temptation, local 29 year-old Marcus Richmond consistently eats the crust of his pizza first, ignoring the topping, cheese, and …
Friendly neighbourhood cat just looking for good place to shit
KAMLOOPS, BC – Local domestic cat Mittens, known to many in his neighbourhood for spending his days prowling through backyards in apparent curiosity, is in fact curious only about which per…
Report: More couples choosing box wine over basic human dignity
VANCOUVER – A recent poll indicates that more couples than ever are choosing to buy wine in a cardboard box rather than retain their own sense of self-worth. Theories abound as to the reaso…
Pregnant friend apparently first woman to ever be fucking pregnant
WELLINGTON, ON – Based entirely on how much they’re all talking about it, friends of local woman, Karen Hespeler, 29, say she seems to be the first woman in the entire fucking history of th…
Middle-aged men storm the television sets of the nation for D-Day documentaries
OTTAWA – Over one million middle-aged men will attempt to establish a foothold on couches and chairs across the country to witness the events of the D-Day landings as told through historica…
Woman dies under accumulated mountain of small, quaint succulents
GUELPH, ON – Police have confirmed that 32 year old Olivia Siegel passed away Sunday afternoon underneath a mountain of quaint little succulents of her own creation. The young woman had beg…
Roommate realizes she can clean the whole floor and not just the parts that show
HAMILTON, ON – Making a what sources are calling a “breakthrough,” local Roommate, Cicely McDonald, discovered this week that she can sweep and mop the entire floor, and not just the secti…
Ordinary woman lifts car to rescue helpless burrito
TORONTO – Local woman Emily Pallister went above and beyond today, summoning superhuman strength to save her defenseless carne asada burrito that was about to be crushed by a careless drive…
