HAMILTON, ON – As she doubled over in laughter, hand still clutching her iPhone, Ashley Zucker, wiped a single tear from her eye. An image based meme had managed to temporarily relieve her from the burden of her own mortality.
“What can I say, I’m just a gal who loves to laugh!” Zucker paused to collect herself. “Oh and I love to occupy myself so I need not look too closely at the impermanence of my life.”
The young paralegal spends most of her time nervously refreshing Twitter for a glimpse of new jokes from comedians she follows while simultaneously listening to podcasts of said comedians.
“Every second I am alive, I move closer to the grave. I am carrying around a rotting piece of electrified meat that I call my body and the claustrophobia of inhabiting such a finite vessel is overwhelming…” Zucker trailed off uneasily. “But man that Young Sheldon? Funny, fluffy, distracting stuff.”
Zucker abstains from engaging with news or politics as she claims it is ‘#TooReal’, nor does she enjoy any art that reflects the current, dire state of the world. When asked if she’s ever seen The Handmaid’s Tale, Zucker shut her eyes and muttered, “Hard pass.”
“I wake up most mornings having fallen asleep with my hands on my contorted face like Edvard Munch’s The Scream,” Zucker explained, “But then I scramble to throw on some Seinfeld and I loosen up while scream laughing as loud as humanly possible.”
At press time, Zucker was seen cackling at the black screen of her dead smartphone.