Report: More couples choosing box wine over basic human dignity - The Beaverton
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Report: More couples choosing box wine over basic human dignity

VANCOUVER – A recent poll indicates that more than ever are choosing to buy in a cardboard box rather than retain their own sense of self-worth.

Theories abound as to the reasons for the change. Some point to the ergonomics of having a cube with its own handle over the slippery, needlessly romantic glass bottle so popular amongst people clearly trying to impress someone. “I remember thinking it was cool to show off some fancy bottle with an exotic label to my friends,” said one Montreal web-developer, “but you know what’s cooler? Being able to stack six of these babies in the cupboard.”

The box was also gaining ground among new parents, who historically report extremely low levels of giving a fuck. “After we had our second child we realized that buying wine in a container smaller than 4 litres was just a waste of time.” said a Toronto lawyer. “This way after the kids are in bed my husband and I can put our mouths directly under the easy-to-pour spout and literally drown the cares of the day away.” When asked if the fact that the box will keep wine fresh for up to three weeks was a factor in their decision the couple laughed. “If that thing makes it more than three nights we’re not doing our jobs right.”

A Vancouver couple assert that the boxed beverage is the perfect compliment to the other staples of the newly indifferent. “When you show up to a dinner party put on by some exhausting young people in a pair of , sweatpants, and carrying a giant juice box of wine? That’s making a statement. And that statement is ‘how late is this going we’d like to be home by 9:30’.”

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