OTTAWA – Young history fanatic Eric Guzan spent yet another day bemoaning the fact that he was not conceived at a more exciting and meaningful point in history. “Everyone knows that the pre…
Local
Bike thieves demand separate bike-thief lanes
KAMLOOPS, BC – A group of bicycle thieves are petitioning the local government to construct more protected routes for those who regularly steal bikes. The group of small-time criminals say …
Fat kid’s cannonball dive produces disappointingly small splash
CHILLIWACK, B.C. – Wearing an XXL white t-shirt to cover his portly frame, witnesses report that local fat kid, Kyle Walker, 11, known to his friends as “Tiny” attempted a sorry excuse for …
Local mom files Freedom of Information request regarding son’s new girlfriend
SAULT STE. MARIE, ON – Local mother Helena Nowak has resorted to bureaucratic methods to try to obtain information regarding the love life of her son, Adam, 22, and has filed a Freedom of I…
Self-involved friend thinks she’d make a great therapist
TORONTO, ON – After years of offering unsolicited advice to friends, family, and absolute strangers, local self-involved woman, Miranda Emmerson, announced to friends at a wedding Saturday …
Old man in Driver’s Ed knows all the drinking and driving answers
Kingston, ON – The students and faculty of All Star Defensive Driving Academy were delighted to find a star pupil in 65 year old Derek Knox, who knew the answer to every single question pos…
Summer camp proprietor really hoping these unexplained axe murders blow over
HALIBURTON, ON – With the body count of attractive teenage victims rising, local summer camp proprietor, Mel Heinman, 57, told reporters yesterday he really hopes all these unexplained axe-…
Police smash car window to rescue overheated dad still waiting for family to emerge from local mall
BURNABY, BC – Local authorities are once again reminding shoppers of the danger of leaving anyone in a hot car after police were forced to smash a window to rescue local father Dan Coolidge…
Local small business obviously former Pizza Hut
HALIFAX, NS – Despite now exclusively serving medicines and convenient retail goods, members of the community said that Lee’s Pharmacy on Walt St. is obviously a former Pizza Hut on Sunday,…
Local trivia team in bar warned to take it down a notch
KINGSTON, ON – After repeated warnings from bar owner Glen Hobschmeer to tone it down, a rowdy trivia team has been issued a life ban from bars citywide that host game nights centering on i…
