TORONTO, ON – After years of offering unsolicited advice to friends, family, and absolute strangers, local self-involved woman, Miranda Emmerson, announced to friends at a wedding Saturday that she’d make a great therapist.
“I am just a really altruistic person,” explains Emmerson, interrupting the groom’s wedding vows. “It’s about time I indulge in my empathy.”
According to sources, Miranda’s revelation began loudly as the bride walked down the aisle and didn’t let up until well after the ceremony ended.
“I was a little bit shocked to hear her say that, if I’m honest,” confides one of her closer friends, Natalie Bringham. “She’s never asked me how I’m doing. Not once. I don’t even think she knows what I do for a living.”
“I’m a therapist,” she added.
According to a recent study from McGill University, this sort of delusion is common amongst people suffering from acute narcissism. Prescribing advice to others in an effort to validate one’s own opinion and status is a sign of emotional instability and detachment from reality.
“I feel everyone’s emotions very deeply, I’m like a sponge,” she says, surrounded by weeping wedding guests. “I just wish they were better at managing their fucking crybaby tears.”
When asked if Emmerson has plans to go to school to study psychotherapy, she waves her hands and says, “I don’t know what school could possibly teach me that I haven’t already gleaned from the new Queer Eye. Wash your hair and re-decorate your apartment. Duh.”