OTTAWA – Young history fanatic Eric Guzan spent yet another day bemoaning the fact that he was not conceived at a more exciting and meaningful point in history.
“Everyone knows that the present isn’t history!” Guzan yelled while flipping through a bound encyclopedia. “Nothing, and let me repeat this, nothing that is currently occuring in the news will be remembered with the same amount of reverence as the Equal Nationality Act of 1934. The way we treated immigrant children in the early twentieth century was abhorrent and luckily contained to that specific moment in time.”
Guzan said he longs for a time in years past when the stakes were elevated and the consequences more clear cut. “I don’t know who the good guys are right now,” said the uppity pseudo-historian. “Sure the Nazis were bad, but without my hindsight I’m quite unsure about these Neo-Nazis…”
However, Guzan asserts that given the opportunity to do so, he would indeed have shot Hitler.
“Women’s suffrage makes sense to me, a man 100 years removed from the events, but I don’t understand the current state of feminism in the least. Bodily autonomy at all times? Common now. If we didn’t need it back then we certainly don’t need it now,” said Guzan while sipping from a inexplicably manifested glass of whiskey.
The contradictory history buff ended on a final thought delivered mid burp, “It’s HIStory, not HERstory, babe.”
