KINGSTON – Less than one hundred and twenty seconds after venturing out into public without a mask for the first time since the COVID-19 pandemic started, 28-year-old Maddie Herbert has alr…
Health
Ford defends Ontarians’ constitutional right to infect their neighbours with Delta variant
QUEEN’S PARK – Premier Doug Ford firmly rejected the possibility of vaccine passports or forcing immunizations, citing Ontarians’ constitutional right to contract the deadly COVID-19 virus …
Preemptive autopsy reveals patient will die from having organs methodically removed
EDMONTON – Breaking new ground in the field of preventative medicine, a team of doctors at the Center for Advanced Medical Research performed a preemptive autopsy on a willing patient and p…
Coworker tries to convince you that memory of her shitting pants is the Mandela effect
LONDON, ON – An ontological nightmare has ravaged downtown’s Tabby Kitten Cafe after your coworker and local barista, Noelle Burns, tried to convince the staff that the memory of her …
Local woman spices up life by swinging wildly between depression and anxiety
EDMONTON, AB – Local interior designer Rebecca McCallops has found a new lease on her otherwise humdrum life by veering wildly between bouts of depression and anxiety. “I was in a really he…
Local man in line confusingly announces he won’t be tipping his vaccine nurse
WESTMOUNT, QC – Local resident Glerbert Memps was waiting in line to receive his first COVID vaccine shot when he loudly announced to the strangers behind him that he would definitely not b…
Doctor unsure if woman has Munchausen Syndrome or if she’s faking it
ANN ARBOR- A medical mystery is plaguing local family physician Dr. Kyle Bryan as he debates a diagnosis of either Munchausen Syndrome or faking it. “Yeah, it’s a real challenge,” said Dr Bryan a…
CDC announces that schoolchildren can finally swap masks for bulletproof vests
ATLANTA – More than fifteen months into the global COVID-19 pandemic, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has announced that children returning to in-person learning can finally …
Local man who hates hugs at work stalling on vaccination
LAVAL, QC – Hugo Drujon, age 50, has been eligible for weeks to receive a vaccination but has been holding out in an effort to avoid the inevitable offers of hugs at work that will come on…
Totally normal doctor recommends getting vaccinated in arm not used for masturbating
EDMONTON – Because the COVID vaccine generally causes soreness in the arm it’s injected into, Dr. Alex Hall has been advising Canadians to get it in their non-masturbation arm. “Many Canadians ar…
