LOCAL HOSPITAL – Little miracle, Jennifer Robins Hughes, weighing 5.5 lbs, who just moments ago passed through her mother’s birth canal, has given existence a lacklustre 7 out of 10. “It’s good, …
Trudeau responds to Trump’s threat of ripping up NAFTA by laminating all trade deals
OTTAWA – After President Donald Trump once again threatened to “rip up” NAFTA, Justin Trudeau has begun laminating all international trade deals as a preventative strategy. “It is my duty to stan…
Controversy erupts after HBO Canada announces alternate history series where French won Seven Years War
OTTAWA – HBO Canada has come under fire after announcing a new series, “QUEBECADA” that depicts an alternate history where the British were defeated by French forces during the Seven Years War. “…
Trump outsources White House manufacturing council to China
WASHINGTON DC – After a string of resignations from his manufacturing council, President Donald Trump has decided to outsource all of the positions to Chinese business leaders. Trump first …
Nice man on bus freaking everyone out
TORONTO – Passengers on a packed bus currently heading north on Bathurst Street are watching with fear and concern as a man acts openly good-natured. “I knew something was up when he offered that…
Friends hold emergency meeting after Sarah starts dating longboarder
MONTREAL – The friends of Sarah called an emergency meeting yesterday after receiving confirmation that she was in fact dating a longboarder. “Order. Order everyone!” said Sarah’s bff and founder…
Local man postpones checkup with doctor to eat three-cheese panzerotti
HAMILTON, ON – After deliberating for several months on if he should schedule a much-needed physical, Jeff Turcott has decisively purchased a mouth-watering panzerotti instead. “I can make an app…
Indigenous Games interrupted by pipeline construction
TORONTO – The North American Indigenous Games, billed as the largest sports and cultural gathering of Indigenous people on the continent, was put on hold today, as crews arrived unannounced to br…
QUIZ: Are you on a staycation or being held against your will?
What better way to save money and get to know yourself than to just camp out for a long weekend at your own humble abode. But for many of us it’s hard to find the time to even do that… and for ot…
Local man who owns kettlebell somehow still completely out of shape
CALGARY – After possessing a twenty-five pound kettlebell for over three years, Patrick Donaldson continues to lack anything that one could describe as fitness. “I’m as shocked as you are”, said …