“I knew something was up when he offered that old lady his seat”, remarked rider, Tim Dickenson. “Then out of nowhere he tries to start making small talk with me. Doesn’t this weirdo realize I’m trying to stare at the floor and listen to a podcast on social isolation?”
The assailant known only as “The Kind Man” began disrupting commuters after picking up a receipt and asking the entire bus if anyone had dropped it. When no one claimed the receipt he requested the driver to take the scrap of rubbish just incase anyone came back looking for it.
“Guys like that give the TTC a bad name”, remarked bus driver, Karen Salinger. “I made sure to call dispatch about him immediately.”
In an effort to drown out the man’s affable conduct several riders have begun blasting music from their smart phones and having fake conversations with each other. “I’d rather pretend to talk with someone than spend one minute having a genuine interaction with another human being”, commented long time transit rider Sarah Jordan.
A recent report by the city indicates that this type of anti-anti-social behavior can occur with individuals who still willingly use their phones for “phone calls” or make eye contact when passing strangers on the sidewalk.
“I am hereby reintroducing the carding program, but only for these social etiquette offenders in an effort to track their movements and unprovoked greetings”, said Mayor John Tory. “It’s every Torontonian’s right to be ignored by their fellow citizen.”
At the time of this article passengers were frantically ringing the stop request bell after someone mentioned they had just turned 25, prompting the Man to begin singing Happy Birthday.