LOCAL HOSPITAL – Little miracle, Jennifer Robins Hughes, weighing 5.5 lbs, who just moments ago passed through her mother’s birth canal, has given existence a lacklustre 7 out of 10.
“It’s good, not great”, the little bundle of joy thought. “But to be honest, I already miss being surrounded by amniotic fluid and getting fed through a tube in my belly.”
Baby Hughes made her final verdict on life shortly after suckling from her mother’s breast. However, when feeding caused her to suffer a burping fit and eventually forced the adorable infant to vomit, she concluded that life would be on pair with a Judd Apatow movie.
“I’m not saying it’s bad,” the minutes-old-child clarified, “it’s just that if this is all it is, I don’t think it deserves a ‘certified fresh’ rating.”
The infant went on to explain that despite life’s drawbacks, like constantly being poked, harsh florescent lights, and an unending feeling of existential crisis, there are still strong positives to being alive. “There was a TV on in the hospital playing Big Bang Theory and I gotta say, that Sheldon really cracks me up.” Hughes then added, “Also, I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of shitting myself.”
The tiny tyke is now looking forward to the next stage of life, hoping that it is an improvement to her current status.
“I haven’t heard much about what comes next, but I can guarantee you it’ll be better than all this breathing crap.”