WINNIPEG – This week, local bargain-hunter Darryl Smith failed to come up with a convincing excuse to buy several volumes of erotic literature at a garage sale. Expecting to find an old cop…
Saskatchewan, New Brunswick loosen restrictions after being declared non-essential provinces
REGINA/FREDERICTON – The Premiers of Saskatchewan and New Brunswick have announced they will be the first provinces to loosen lockdown restrictions after declaring their provinces as non-es…
Dynamic modeling predicts end of quarantine to be absolute horned-up fuckfest
OTTAWA – In a Facebook Live press conference, Chief Public Health Officer Dr. Theresa Tam released numbers based on dynamic modeling that project the end of self-isolation will be a sopping…
Governments anxiously await modelling to predict when they can resume cutting health budgets
TORONTO – Governments from across Canada and around the world have been anxiously awaiting predictive modelling that will give an educated guess of when they can resume gutting the public h…
Virus enters man without consent
RIKERS ISLAND, NY – Jailed rapist Harvey Weinstein has claimed that the novel coronavirus that causes COVID-19 has penetrated his body without his consent. Tests have confirmed the presence…
Canada announces it will exclusively import COVID-19 from US
OTTAWA – Prime Minister Justin Trudeau announced today that all forms of coronavirus coming from outside from the country must come from American citizens. “Today, we are announcing that an…
Employees at home working hard at pretending to work
OTTAWA – Millions of Canadians working from home due to the COVID-19 pandemic have started their days off pretending to be hard at work. “I could read these documents that my manager sent t…
