“The purpose of the study was to stop people from using the fictitious Hogwarts house as a means to justify narcissism, cunningness, and wearing head-to-toe shamrock green” said Dr. Keeya Numa, the lead psychologist behind the study and a total Ravenclaw. “As well as putting Buzzfeed out of business.”
The study sampled 100 self-identified Slytherins and concluded that their assholish behavior is because they’re assholes, not because they’re Slytherins.
“After hearing about the study, I was a little offended and then I decided, I didn’t care,” said Frank Redworth, who regularly parks his Ford F-150 at an angle so that it takes up two parking spots. “As a Slytherin, you’re born tough, so that you can say and do whatever you want.”
Georgia Durna, another participant in the study, who recently double-crossed her co-worker in order to get a promotion, commented saying “Sorry not sorry. We Slytherins will do anything it takes to get what we want. Especially if it means screwing over a bunch of Hufflepuffs… I mean idiots….I mean Hufflepuffs…“
In response to the study, Sarah Sanchez, a rehabilitated Slytherin who once used the moniker to justify spreading neo-faschist ideals, formed Slytherins Against Assholes – a group dedicated to distancing itself from negative stereotypes and celebrate the more positive traits of being a Slytherin, like loyalty, ambition, and looking good in emerald.
“Like a snake, we must shed the skin of our past and look towards the future!” stated Sanchez in a press conference. “This means we need to recognize that Snape’s undying love for Lily Potter wasn’t romantic but obsessive and creepy! Oh and also this entire system was created by JK Rowling, who we now know is a Slytherin, an asshole and a TERF, so we should probably just abandon the whole identity.”
At press time, Dr. Numa has released two additional studies including ‘Gryffindors: you’re not a leader, you’re a narcissist’ and ‘Are you a Ross? Don’t have kids.”