Washington D.C. – As the number of COVID cases skyrockets in the United States, Trump and his administration have officially instituted a “choose your own adventure” protocol to tackling the pandemic.
“Let me begin by stating that despite what right-wing media wants you to believe, President Trump and this administration are doing a phenomenal job keeping this pandemic under control” began White House press secretary Kayleigh McEnany, more to herself than anyone. “And because of that, we’re finally going to give Americans what they’ve been asking for – the freedom to deal with this pandemic, the way they want, in a fun choose-your-own-adventure style!”
The new protocol, outlined in a handbook format, begins with “So, you don’t want COVID? Wear a Mask [turn to page 4] or Refuse To Wear a Mask [turn to page 7].”
“Since my notion of freedom is threatened by a piece of cloth, I chose “don’t wear a mask”, declared everyday American Joe Rickers, proudly. “So, now I flip to page seven and BAM it reads ‘Congratulations! You died like a TRUE AMERICAN.’ Fuck yeah!”
“Out of curiosity, I peeked at the alternative ‘wear a mask option’” declared staunch Republican Karen White “I’m so glad I didn’t pick it because look what it says – ‘Your mask was made in China and now you’ve got COVID. Keep it on, like a goddamn pussy [turn to page 19] or Take it off and die like A TRUE AMERICAN [turn to page 8]!’ “
According to McEnany, the handbook will tap into the true spirit of American adventure by outlining over hundreds of options with thousands of outcomes, like “Stay home” [which then leads to ‘You lost your job to an immigrant, you goddamn pussy!’] or “Go to Work” [which reveals ‘You made money for the top 1% and died LIKE A TRUE AMERICAN!’]
Many are praising the administrations for finally releasing a coherent strategy, stating “I feel so empowered! Like, the decisions are actually mine!” while others are questioning why every single option leads to them either dying or being called a goddamn pussy.
Due to the large success of the choose-your-own-adventure approach, the Trump administration has announced other protocols will be presented in similarly fun ways, starting with presidential pardoning which will now follow a “One fish, Two fish, You lied under oath and tampered with evidence to protect me, Blue fish!” system.