EDMONTON – In an effort to quell BC’s concerns over expansion of the Trans Mountain Pipeline, Alberta Premier Rachel Notley has promised the BC government that any oil spill or leak will re…
New Facebook protocol will only let you delete your account in exchange for a dark secret they don’t already know
MENLO PARK, CA – As more and more people are attempting to delete their Facebook accounts due to the social media giant’s unfolding data collection scandal, Facebook now requires users to r…
NYPD shutters homicide division after realizing nosy old ladies have better clearance rates
NEW YORK – The New York City Police Department shut down their homicide division today after an exhaustive overview of clearance rates proves murders investigated by inquisitive spinsters a…
BC government agrees to reclassify farmland as residential if residents agree to be reclassified as food
VICTORIA – In the midst of skyrocketing real estate and land prices, the government of British Columbia has decided to rezone several agricultural blocks of land as residential but has stip…
Local woman’s overflowing junk drawer threatens to engulf entire town
Salmon Springs, BC – The Canadian Forces have been called out to mitigate the disaster that struck Salmon Springs BC after Lucy Gerhardt opened her junk drawer this morning. “I’ll get…
Republicans attack CNN for not interviewing “pro-school shooting” teens
WASHINGTON – Republican lawmakers and activists are pointing to the lack of teenage supporters of school shootings on CNN as another example of liberal bias in the media. “The question we n…
Vancouver city council votes to blind the poor to keep them from enjoying million dollar mountain views
VANCOUVER – During a contentious meeting Vancouver city council decided by a vote of 7 to 3 to adopt a new revitalization plan that includes blinding poor residents to keep them from seeing…
Doritos introduces the Ladychip, a crunchless pink tube inserted into the vagina for demure female snackers
PLANO, TX – Doritos, the zesty tortilla chip brand, has announced the launch of a new line of chips aimed at female consumers, a vaginally-inserted crunchless pink tube called the Ladychip.…
Silicon Valley tech bro accidentally reinvents the guillotine
San Francisco – A Silicon Valley startup is expressing regret today after realizing their groundbreaking smart device is a reinvention of the guillotine. “I didn’t realize I was inventing t…
Vancouver mayor won’t run for re-election because he can no longer afford to live in Vancouver
VANCOUVER – After ten years as Vancouver’s mayor, Gregor Robertson has announced he will not be running for re-election because he can’t afford to live in the city anymore. “I love Vancouve…
