PLANO, TX – Doritos, the zesty tortilla chip brand, has announced the launch of a new line of chips aimed at female consumers, a vaginally-inserted crunchless pink tube called the Ladychip.
“We know we want women to buy chips, and we know women have vaginas,” Chip scientist Peter Wilkinson explained. “Those are the only two things our all-male scientific team knew about women. So, naturally, we developed this tube-shaped chip that woman can insert into their vaginas.”
“We also thought, women are too loud. We should help them with that. So we made the chip silent. Then Jason, our flavorologist, who owns four fedoras, said women like pink. So we added in red dye #56. It’s usually only used in nail polish and hair dye because it’s potentially carcinogenic, but it makes the Ladychips a lovely dusty rose.”
Doritos, owned by PepsiCo, has spent millions looking for ways to give women the stealth snacking experience they believe women crave. “Women don’t want to be seen snacking,” CEO Phil Roberts said at the press conference announcing the Ladychip. “Women don’t want men to know they eat. I assume this because, as a man, I hate knowing women eat. Grosses me right out. Now, women can consume as many snacks throughout the day as they want without bothering the men around them.”
“Thanks to Doritos, you can have it all, ladies,” he said with a wink.
Roberts concluded the press conference by saying PepsiCo was also introducing several new extreme Mountain Dew flavors specifically designed for women, including Wobbly High-Heels, Toxic Shock Syndrome, and Walking Alone After Dark Wearing Headphones.