NEW YORK CITY – Despite Gary Bettman’s disastrous handling of the Brad Aldrich scandal, NHL insiders say owners are likely to stick with him as commissioner due to his amazing track r…
Ford announces new attack ads to air during Ontarians’ dreams
TORONTO – Premier Doug Ford has announced that, in addition to clogging up every news broadcast, sporting event and network drama with commercials attacking Steven Del Duca and Andrea Horwa…
Canadian Tire unveils crypto Canadian Tire Dollars
TORONTO – Three years after retiring its famed rewards system Canadian Tire, the retailer you go to for patio sets and Old Dutch potato chips, had announced they will bring back the system …
Local toddler says fuck your Daylight Saving Time
Brantford, ON – This morning adorable toddler Liam O’Reilly, 3, declared that Daylight Saving Time was a fucking joke and he would arise at his normal hour, even if that was technical…
Breaking: YouTube ads all in French again
Waterloo, ON – Reports from the Finkel residence have confirmed that the Youtube ads are all in French again. “I needed a break but I didn’t have time to watch a 22 minute tv sh…
Doug Ford promises to spend second term undoing harm caused by first term
TORONTO – After un-cancelling the $15 minimum wage increase, Premier Doug Ford is promising Ontarians that, if re-elected, he will spend the entirety of his second term fighting tooth and n…
Bettman promises NHL will never allow sexual assault scandal to leak to media ever again
NEW YORK CITY – In the wake of revelations concerning the horrific sexual assault of Kyle Beach and the Chicago Blackhawks subsequent coverup, NHL commissioner Gary Bettman promised players…
“I’m not going to get vaccinated just to comply with arbitrary public safety rules,” says cop who makes living writing speeding tickets
TORONTO – As the deadline looms for Toronto police to get vaccinated or be put on unpaid leave, many officers who spend their days writing speeding tickets are refusing to get “an unn…
Ford hopes removing all incentive for people to get vaccinated will encourage people to get vaccinated
TORONTO – Premier Doug Ford has announced his plan to encourage vaccine hesitant people to finally get vaccinated: end the vaccine passport system that encourages them to get vaccinated. &#…
5 celebrities and 1 murderer you didn’t know are Canadian
Canada is home to a ton of talented people (and a disturbing amount of murderers)! But sometimes when they get famous it’s in the U.S., and no one realizes they’re from the Great Whit…
