AJAX – Following the revelation that the deceased Syrian child depicted in a now-famous photograph was denied a Canadian refugee claim, Federal Immigration Minister Chris Alexander has assu…
Zombie Walk takes tragic detour through Chainsaw Expo
SEATTLE – Attendees at this summer’s Seattle Zombie Walk met a gruesome and wholly predictable end after taking a detour through the nearby 2015 Husqvarna Chainsaw Expo. The annual Zombie W…
Local man tidies small corner of apartment for Skype call with parents
HALIFAX – Local veterinary technician Brian Chambers, 27, has reportedly cleaned a small fraction of his one bedroom apartment in advance of a Skype call with his parents, in hopes of creat…
Stephen Harper offers cursing supporter Senate appointment
TORONTO – During a campaign stop reporters asking questions about the Duffy scandal were cursed at by a Harper supporter, before he was removed and offered a seat in the Senate. “I spoke to…
Fox News blames Bert and Ernie for Piggy/Kermit split
WASHINGTON— Reporting on the separation of Muppet characters Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy, commentators for the Fox News Network have blamed the stars’ break-up on the alternative and subversiv…
Canadian ex-pats lose right to forget to vote from abroad
OTTAWA – A recent Court of Appeal ruling states that expatriate Canadians will no longer be eligible to intend to vote, then fail to “mail the thing in”, before forgetting about…
Nerdy children live out dreams at Bully Fantasy Camp
ONODOGA, ONTARIO – Camp Wannapoundya, billed as “North America’s first bully fantasy camp,” offers weak and harassed children the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to live out their fantasies of tor…
Degrassi School condemned following 35 years of student-related tragedy
TORONTO – Following 35 years of unplanned pregnancies, drunk driving, stabbings, suicides, gonorrhea outbreaks, and one student dropping acid and then falling off a bridge and suffering per…
Report: Hozier late for church
NEWCASTLE, IRELAND – Despite numerous pleas for friends, family, and music fans worldwide to “take (him) to church”, 2015 Grammy nominee Hozier has reportedly missed the start of Sunday mass. “I …
Elizabeth May botches ’22 Minutes’ audition
OTTAWA – Speaking at the yearly Ottawa Press Gallery Dinner, Green Party leader Elizabeth May’s off-colour jokes about Omar Khadr were later revealed to be an unsuccessful audition for the …
