TORONTO – Following his resignation as editor-in-chief of The Walrus over controversial statements on cultural appropriation, Jonathan Kay is reportedly enthusiastic to bring his incendiary anti-political correctness view to his new job at Baskin Robbins.
“Baskin Robbins has a diverse selection of 31 flavours, and I’m excited to get in there and really challenge customer’s PC views on whether that’s even necessary,” explained Kay as he cleaned the milkshake machine.
“I mean, maybe Vanilla ice cream is the most famous flavour because of hard work and merit,” Kay posited while setting up a Shake It Off This Summer promotional cutout. “Furthermore, Vanilla managed to appropriate other flavours to create whole new ones like Cookie Dough and Hokey Pokey, so maybe we all owe Vanilla a bit more credit.”
Though Kay resigned abruptly from The Walrus, he still maintains a desire to set the record straight. “I wasn’t actually the person who came up with the idea of a cash Appropriation Prize,” Kay insists. “All I did was agree that Cultural Appropriation doesn’t exist, and suggest that maybe white people can write indigenous perspectives just as well or better than indigenous people.”
“See, so much more reasonable.”
Following his nearly 20-year career in Canadian media, Kay expressed relief to leave behind the “shaming and manifestos” from leftwing writers and bosses. “I got tired of being taken to task on Monday morning for stuff that I said on the CBC or tweeted. That’s why I didn’t wait to get fired – I chose to go out in a self-inflicted blaze of glory” explained Kay.
“Now at Baskin Robbins, I can exercise my freedom of speech to say anything I want, and never be challenged on it at all,” Kay said, surveying the mostly empty store.
While Kay is enthused to bring his socially conservative perspective to the world of Warm Cookie Ice Cream Sandwiched, he admitted that he will miss the elite world of Canadian print journalism. “As an editor, you are the gatekeeper of which writers get to shape Canadian discourse; whether that writer may be white, black, white, or your own mother.”
At the end of his first shift, Kay was approaching his shift supervisor Denyne to pitch a 2000-word piece on whether Jamoca Almond Fudge was just “identity politics run amok”.