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Shadowy cabal agrees to buy bigger conference table

– The clandestine organization of billionaire power brokers responsible for controlling the world’s destiny has reportedly decided to purchase a larger .

“The vote is unanimous – we’ll order the biggest one Staples has,” announced the head of the malevolent fraternity. Upon tallying the votes which board members had written on torn-up slips of paper, the chairman moved forward. “Now, let us return to choosing the next Eastern European democracy to destabilize.”

The conference table debate erupted during the group’s semi-annual conference, devoted to manipulating the planet’s economic and socio-political destiny. During a discussion of how best to privatize South American water reserves, a Saudi Prince accused his seat mate, a South American known only as “The Generalissimo”, of repeatedly bumping elbows with him. The group then quickly agreed that the time had come to invest in a larger meeting table.

“Even the most sinister and impossibly vast conspiracy requires adequate table space to plan,” argued a bald man in an eyepatch stroking a Persian Longhair cat. Other cabal members recalled the time a coffee cup was knocked over, ruining the maps for a planned military coup of Turkmenistan.

While the vote to purchase a larger conference table was quick, deliberations over actually choosing the table have been long and fraught. “We collectively control 92% of the planet’s wealth. We can afford a conference table with power outlets,” argued an inscrutable Japanese matriarch flanked by deadly bodyguards. Alternately, suggestions for a “live edge wood table” were shot down quickly, noting that this would be “too flashy” for a secret society.

Other table features up for debate included mahogany vs. laminate, stain-resistant finish, and including a holographic projection of a globe for the group of oligarchs to laugh ominously at.

While the blackhearted coterie agreed to the need for a larger table, some wistfully spoke of the old table. “I remember sitting around this trusty old table and making the decision to assassinate Kennedy,” recalled an industrialist bearing a striking resemblance to the late Fred Rogers. “But the times they are a-changing. Which reminds me, it’s time for my 3pm blood transfusion.”

Next, the plans to decide the outcomes of the next three Canadian elections before trading the old conference table on for some succulents and tallboys.

BREAKING: We wrote a fucking book