“The vote is unanimous – we’ll order the biggest one Staples has,” announced the head of the malevolent fraternity. Upon tallying the votes which board members had written on torn-up slips of paper, the chairman moved forward. “Now, let us return to choosing the next Eastern European democracy to destabilize.”
The conference table debate erupted during the group’s semi-annual conference, devoted to manipulating the planet’s economic and socio-political destiny. During a discussion of how best to privatize South American water reserves, a Saudi Prince accused his seat mate, a South American known only as “The Generalissimo”, of repeatedly bumping elbows with him. The group then quickly agreed that the time had come to invest in a larger meeting table.
“Even the most sinister and impossibly vast conspiracy requires adequate table space to plan,” argued a bald man in an eyepatch stroking a Persian Longhair cat. Other cabal members recalled the time a coffee cup was knocked over, ruining the maps for a planned military coup of Turkmenistan.
While the vote to purchase a larger conference table was quick, deliberations over actually choosing the table have been long and fraught. “We collectively control 92% of the planet’s wealth. We can afford a conference table with power outlets,” argued an inscrutable Japanese matriarch flanked by deadly bodyguards. Alternately, suggestions for a “live edge wood table” were shot down quickly, noting that this would be “too flashy” for a secret society.
Other table features up for debate included mahogany vs. laminate, stain-resistant finish, and including a holographic projection of a globe for the group of oligarchs to laugh ominously at.
While the blackhearted coterie agreed to the need for a larger table, some wistfully spoke of the old table. “I remember sitting around this trusty old table and making the decision to assassinate Kennedy,” recalled an industrialist bearing a striking resemblance to the late Fred Rogers. “But the times they are a-changing. Which reminds me, it’s time for my 3pm blood transfusion.”