Lethbridge, AB – Local white man Jeffrey Travers is having the time of his life imagining all the praise he would receive from his imaginary Black friends for his pro-Black Lives Matter soc…
Trump says Biden’s poll numbers wouldn’t be so high if they stopped testing voters
Washington D.C. – US president Trump has issued a statement saying that Democratic Party nominee Joe Biden is only polling ahead of him because they are asking voters for their opinion. “Th…
Health officials recall masks after reports that they are a little uncomfortable and look weird
OTTAWA – Canadian health officials have recalled millions of masks after people reported that wearing them makes them feel kinda weird. “Never in the history of public health have we made s…
TTC employees admit delays “just don’t feel the same” without angry commuters
TORONTO – After coronavirus has resulted in the TTC having it’s daily ridership cut in half, TTC employees have reported that they deeply miss the feeling of inconveniencing a million peopl…
Trudeau ends arrests for CERB fraud after discovering money is being hidden in foreign tax havens
OTTAWA – Justin Trudeau has ended his investigation into CERB fraud after his government discovered the money stolen is being hidden in foreign tax havens. The investigation began when the …
Star Wars super fan’s least favourite franchise probably Star Wars
PARENT’S BASEMENT, AB – Local Star Wars fanatic Jake Martin has come to the conclusion that Star Wars is the best franchise he has ever hated with all his heart. “By far the greatest …
5 great excuses not to hang out when you’re free all the time now and they know it
So you used to have a million excuses to get out of hanging out with your friends. But now that literally every single one of your plans are gone, and the whole planet is under house arrest, ever…
“Nothing can harm me now,” states Tim Hortons employee behind flimsy plastic sheet
Scarborough, ON – Local Tim Hortons employee Jim Matthews feels invincible after his management has installed a thin plastic sheet in front of his register. “I’ve never felt so powerful,” s…
God tests positive for COVID-19 after church services continue
HEAVEN – After religious groups have continued to go to church despite warnings about large public gatherings, The Almighty One has contracted COVID-19. “At first I thought I just had a sor…
Montreal halts road construction until everyone can enjoy it again
MONTREAL – The City of Montreal has decided to halt all road construction due to COVID-19 making it impossible for commuters to enjoy traffic delays as they usually do. “One of the pinnacle…
