In a sign of the true end of a prominent era of our nation’s history, the Canadian government today confirmed the passing of Lieutenant James Montclief: the last surviving Canadian veteran of the…
Wedding planner suggests barn
KINGSTON – The longstanding puzzle of where to hold the upcoming wedding of a Kingston couple was valiantly solved by local wedding planner, Suzanne Albright, who bravely saved the day by suggest…
Sixth in line to meaningless figurehead role marries fourth lead in middling legal dramedy
WINDSOR, UK – In an elaborate and lavish spectacle watched by millions around the world today, an irrelevant member of an obsolete class system wedded a heretofore little-known cast member of the…
Friends beginning to suspect Dave’s ironic moustache actually sincere
VANCOUVER – In what has become a developing story, Dave Parson’s friends and family have slowly come to the realization that his self-described ironic moustache may, in fact, be completely sincer…
NASA discovers Earth-like planet 20 feet from Earth
WASHINGTON D.C. – Astronomers with the National Aeronautics and Space Administration have announced the ground-breaking discovery of a planet similar to Earth only 20 feet away from our own plane…
Kathleen Wynne still polling well among voters who are Kathleen Wynne
ONTARIO – Ontario Premier Kathleen Wynne has shocked critics following a recent Angus Reid poll that shows high election support from those voters who are Kathleen Wynne. “Even amidst all the sto…
Pile of filthy snow in mall parking lot somehow still there
MONTREAL – Local eyewitnesses have recently confirmed that despite temperatures well above 10 degrees Celsius, that giant pile of disgusting snow in the mall parking lot has somehow survived. “I’…
Man who wasn’t going to leave the house anyway complains about weather
NEWMARKET – Local resident Ed Sanford has apparently seen fit to complain loudly to anyone who will listen about the foul weather outside, despite never having had any pretensions of going out an…
Axe throwing escape room gastropub dodgeball event ends in tragedy
VANCOUVER – A new business designed to combine the trends of axe throwing, escape rooms, adult dodgeball, and unique dining experience has closed on its first day after the deaths of 438 patrons.…
Dear Elon Musk: We’ll happily compromise our integrity in exchange for your money
By: The Editorial Staff of The Beaverton Dear Elon Musk: We, the Editorial Staff at The Beaverton – Canada’s Premier News Satire Website and Crayon Manufacturer – have recently learned of your of…
