By conservative voice of reason Dan Stapleton
There’s a lot of pearl clutching by the ultra-liberal left about my supposedly controversial opinions, but it only takes a little bit of fact checking to confirm without a shadow of a doubt that the straw man I have created to represent them is a complete idiot.
Look no further than the stupid straw man’s hysterical demands that we abolish the police. This would obviously lead to anarchy and unchecked crime in our streets. Most voices on the left do not want to instantly dissolve all law enforcement and release every convicted serial killer back into society tomorrow, sure; they instead want to redirect excessive police funding to other agencies better able to deal with the innumerable issues facing communities. But the dumbass straw man I have built DOES want to instantly dissolve them. What a buffoon.
Another stupid thing the fictional, imagined straw man wants is for everyone to get constant abortions. Truly a dystopian and sadistic desire that literally no human person has for society. But the straw man is not human. I have made him up so that I could discredit him, and I’ve been recently informed that he is a communist.
Speaking of communists, the straw man wants to take your home and give it away to a mob! Have you heard about this? It’s true! It sounds nothing like taxing the ludicrously rich among us, which is ostensibly the source idea from which I free-associated it… but yeah. This straw man I am inventing in real time has some truly appalling desires.
I would now like to draw your attention to my use of a semicolon a couple of paragraphs back. Clearly I am a learned man. Also provable by my use of the version of the word “learned” that has to be pronounced so it rhymes with “op-ed”, which also happens to be the thing I am writing. I rest my case: I am a genius. Surely a genius like myself can tell the difference between a straw man and a real human person.
Of course I can!
It is not my desire to engage in debate with (or respond to the ideas of) real, human people! I do, however, draw a palpable, almost sexual energy from watching them sit opposite me and argue PAST me, while I look slightly askance and argue with my beautiful, beguiling straw man entirely on purpose.
“Systemic racism is a problem with the system and now exists independently of individual racists,” they might say.
I, meanwhile, make eyes at my glorious, magnetic straw man and say, “there are Black judges. Explain that.”
Or maybe they’re saying “sex work should be decriminalized – which is not even the same thing as legalized – because sex workers are human beings with dignity who deserve society’s protections.”
But my sexy straw man winks at me and I respond, “so you want your daughter to be a prostitute, is that what you’re saying?”
Make no mistake: I know it’s not what you’re saying. It’s what I’m saying. Through the stupid straw man I made up.
I’m arguing with myself. And I’m WINNING.