VANCOUVER – Thirty-one year old lottery winner Michael R. Fernandez announced today that his recent winnings will allow him to finally hand-in his notice of resignation at one of the five j…
Nation’s dads demand investigation into where the hell this moron learned how to drive
OTTAWA – The nation’s dads assembled on Parliament Hill today demanding that Transport Canada investigate where in the hell this moron learned how to drive and who exactly was the idi…
Canadian officials wish garbage sent to Philippines had been labeled “drug lords” so it could have been disposed of, no questions asked
OTTAWA – Following Filipino President Rodrigo Duterte’s statement that he would “declare war” with Canada over a series of shipping containers of garbage sent to the Philippines years…
Old man in locker room waits until last possible second to put dick away
BRANDON, MB – Sources are reporting that local senior citizen Morris Nesbit set a record recently in the changing facilities of the Brandon Super Fitness Centre by accomplishing every singl…
Netflix invests in more serial killings to meet demand for documentaries
LOS GATOS, CA – The streaming platform Netflix has committed millions of dollars toward paying people to commit new, quirky, yet relatable serial murders so that their crimes can be transfo…
Unrealistic casino commercial features people having fun
Niagara Falls, ON – The regulatory organization Advertising Standards Canada has determined that a recent commercial for the Royal Niagara Casino is misleading due to the fact that it depic…
Maxime Bernier emerges as this season’s shady bitch who loves drama
OTTAWA – In response to an official tweet from Global Affairs Canada praising Canada’s first ever contestant on RuPaul’s Drag Race, People’s Party leader Maxime Bernier posted a message com…
Trump ends government shutdown after realizing unpaid FBI agents can still arrest people
WASHINGTON, DC – President Donald Trump has announced that he is temporarily ending the government shutdown since learning that furloughed FBI agents are still allowed to make arrests. Earl…
Experts predict Black Panther and BlacKkKlansman will lose Best Picture to the one about a white guy who had a black friend once
LOS ANGELES – Following the recent announcement of the nominees for the Academy Awards, entertainment industry experts and Las Vegas oddsmakers agree that Black Panther and BlacKkKlansman a…
Ford government solves Toronto housing crisis for everyone who is an MPP
TORONTO – In a surprise move sure to boost the party’s popularity among Torontonians, the Ontario Conservative government has completely solved Toronto’s housing crisis for ever…