Forest fires across Canada kick off annual Dystopian Hellscape season - The Beaverton

Forest fires across Canada kick off annual Dystopian Hellscape season

QUEBEC CITY – From orange skies at midday and the hacking cough of ash-filled lungs, to hectares of scorched forest and the eerie lingering odour of “downtown ghost campfire,” the familiar sights and smells of Dystopian Hellscape Season are once again upon us.  

This year’s Dystopian Hellscape Season began in Alberta with families fleeing a raging inferno of Dante-esque proportions and gathering at the nearest community centre for a stay of between 12 hours and 4 weeks, depending on which way the wind is blowing.

“This is exactly how we want to spend the first nice weekend of summer, and also every day for the next two weeks!” claims recent festival participant Mike Sparks, whose family is preparing to descend into the seventh circle of Hell tomorrow, “just to see if the air quality is any better down there.”

The celebrations last week then moved to Nova Scotia, where many houses and businesses were incinerated upon contact, but the highway is expected to re-open this week, like a noble phoenix rising from the ashes that have been collecting  in a post-winter pothole.

“This is our family’s first weekend here, and we’re absolutely loving it,” says Halifax festival first-timer Julia Flint. “I mean, we weren’t really a ‘Scaper family till now, but you know what they say about the four seasons in Canada- Fall, Winter, Dystopian Hellscape and Construction!”

Meanwhile as the entire province of Quebec descends into visions of flaming chaos unmatched since Hieronymus Bosch quit painting and died in 1516, displaced and terrified forest creatures have gathered to take part in a rarely observed animal ritual known as the Woodchucking Circle, begging Beelzebub to stop the advancing wall of flames.

Wildlife researcher Gerard Secchi explains, “Local raccoon legend states that if a red squirrel spontaneously combusts during the ceremony, Beelzebub will cause six more weeks of forest fires. But if a porcupine dies of dehydration, then the Dark Lord will return to Hades and succumb to the floodplains of the River Styx until next year. So obviously we’re hoping for the dehydrated porcupine this year…”

As the festivities kick into high gear, upcoming locations to watch are Northern Ontario, Lower Mainland BC, and basically anywhere in the country that has grass, trees or plants. The festival’s major sponsors, Lightning Strikes, Climate Change, Big Oil, and That Moron Who Threw a Lit Cigarette Out the Window of a Pickup Truck During a Burn Ban, have issued a collective statement that they’re only just getting started and they have “so, so much more in store this year.” 

T’is the season!