OTTAWA – Following two by-election wins that have allowed the Liberal Party of Canada to finally cement an electoral majority, Prime Minister Mark Carney has admitted that the party has absolutely no further plans for governing.
“Every single part of our party infrastructure has been singularly trained on the relentless pursuit of power,” explained Carney, addressing reporters while standing in front of a large red “Mission Accomplished” banner.
“Now that we have amassed that absolute power that singularly drove us, I find that I have wept, for there were no more worlds to conquer,” Carney added. “Tax reform maybe? Naw.”
Amid raucous Liberal Party celebrations on their new, unfettered majority power, various jubilant MPs seemed at a complete loss as to what to use that power to accomplish legislatively.
“Could we try to… get a bigger majority?” asked Dominic LeBlanc, MP for Beauséjour. This suggestion was affirmed by recent floor-crossers Marilyn Gladu, Michael Ma, and Lori Idlout. At no point did any Liberal MPs in attendance suggest using their newly-attained majority power to: lower housing costs; tackle unemployment; protect the environment; spur homegrown investment; bolster social services; or repair Canada’s crumbling infrastructure.
Looking forward, Carney’s caucus has vowed to use their latest majority to focus on one traditional Liberal value: unfettered complacent overconfidence.
“Oh, the hubris is going to be off the charts,” declared Carney, dusting off a 2015 Liberal banner reading “The Majority Times Will Never End!”
