OTTAWA – In the wake of news that CBC/Radio-Canada will lay off 600 employees nationwide, Opposition Leader Pierre Poilievre has inquired if he can publicly announce that it was his idea and his doing.
“Come on, it’ll make me look so cool to all the cool guys at Postmedia,” the Conservative Leader repeatedly whined during Question Period. “These woke lefty state media CBC commies are going to lose their jobs either way – why can’t we all just pretend I pulled the trigger? It can be my early Christmas present!”
The CBC layoffs come in the wake of $125 million in budget cuts, as well as increased competition from American digital streamers, and not from anything whatsoever Pierre Poilievre has said or done in connection to the arm’s length crown corporation. Still, the Carleton MP is adamant that it would make him look “really badass” if he were allowed to take credit for the cuts.
“Let’s face it, ‘Defund the CBC’ is the closest thing I’ve had to an actual policy platform for years,” Poilievre noted, “at least since ‘We’re all gonna get rich off crypto!’ blew up in my face. I know I’m leading in the polls right now, but I still want credit for the CBC thing!”
Poilievre added, “I want it! I want it! I want it!”
The Conservative leader then outlined an unnervingly detailed fictional scenario, in which he could depict himself as the key player in the decision to cut 600 CBC employees.
“So I walk right in there to the CBC building in Toronto, and I’ve got like cool sunglasses on,” Poilievre explained. “And Catherine Tait and all her bleeding heart do-gooder employees are like ‘No Pierre, please don’t fire us! It’s Christmas time, and we need to do more stories about how you’re too awesome to be Prime Minister!’ And I’d be like ‘No dice,’ and then I’d kick Rick Mercer in the chest and he’ll fly off the ledge into that huge CBC Atrium and I yell ‘THIS IS SPARTA!’ And then all my supporters will cheer for me and honk their truck horns. Oh, and some cool music should be playing, like How You Remind Me by Nickelback.”
“No wait – Rockstar! Rockstar!” the potential future Prime Minister added.
Additionally, Poilievre noted that giving him credit for the CBC cuts would “have the added benefit of being my first ever legislative accomplishment!”
At press time no one is really sure what’s going on because the CBC just laid off 600 employees.