OTTAWA – Conservation experts and entomologists across the globe have announced they will be putting more effort into determining the cause of bee population declines around the world, so it can be used to decimate wasp populations instead.
“Once we have figured out how to save the bees and avoid ecological collapse, we will then take our learnings, and use it to drive the wasp extinct, which hopefully doesn’t also trigger an ecological collapse,” said Dr. H.G. Weston of McGill University. “For instance, if the theory that bees are dying off because of global warming turns out to be true, then we will try to figure out the precise level of global warming that only wipes out the wasp, which must exist somewhere.”
Despite popular opinion, many scientists are certain that eliminating the insects that rarely sting people will have little impact on the ecosystem. Conservationist Raquel Lopez of the University of Colorado states that wasps might be easier to replace than any other insect species on Earth.
“From an ecological standpoint, wasps bring very little to the table. Eating other pests? That’s what ladybugs are for. Pollination? Butterflies can handle that. Creating zombie spiders by laying eggs inside them? Turns out hedgehogs do that too.”
Many of the “Save The Bees/Kill The Wasps/Hornets Fuck Off Too” think tanks are in agreement that in the event there is no viable way to kill only the wasps and spare the bees, then steps should be taken to drive both species extinct.
“I mean, I know it’s not ideal, but I think a global food shortage is preferable to accidentally drinking a wasp that flew into your beer,” states Dr. Weston. “Plus, I don’t think we should be trusting bees as much as we do either. All it takes is for them to get a taste for other bugs and then we’re stuck with wasps that can bribe us with honey.”
“Seriously, there’s no method too extreme to get rid of those striped bastards so we can have one last picnic before the summer ends without them landing on all the food! They don’t even make nice houses like bees so what’s the point of them!”
Dr Weston was unable to continue the interview as he was chased away by a random wasp.
Saving the bees from extinction while also ensuring the wasps are doomed to it is one of the biggest research goals in the entomology world, followed by how to make fruit fly lifespans even shorter.