Alberta halts approval for all clean energy projects until they can be made dirtier - The Beaverton

Alberta halts approval for all clean energy projects until they can be made dirtier

EDMONTON – Premier has announced a moratorium on all pending projects in Alberta until these projects can prove they will be just as detrimental to the environment as the province’s current and past fossil fuel extraction projects.

“Alberta has a proud tradition of producing some of the dirtiest energy known to humankind, and if these projects want to continue to set up shop here, they’ve got to be able to compete with oil and gas in both long and short term environmental devastation,” Smith said.

Between the thousands of orphaned oil and gas wells, the numerous oilsands tailing ponds leaking toxic waste into Alberta’s groundwater, and the various greenhouse gases being released both during fossil fuel production and by its end users, Alberta’s renewable industry is scrambling to come up with ways it can meet the province’s strict anti-environmental standards without increasing the low price of renewable energy.

“Despite their reputation, wind turbines kill 10,000 times fewer birds than house cats kill each year, and instead of competing with agriculture, solar panels can actually help grow food by preventing evaporation in water-stressed regions. It’s just really difficult to find economical ways to make ourselves even a tenth as damaging to the environment or society as fossil fuels,” said one solar panel manufacturer.

“I’m starting to think the only way we could possibly meet Alberta’s industrial standards is if we start hiring folks to go door to door in areas where our panels are installed and just spray dangerous chemicals directly into people’s faces. We’re also looking into paying crop dusters to napalm thousands of acres of old-growth forest every quarter.”

“Renewables are a booming multi-billion dollar industry in Alberta that has created thousands of ,” Smith said. “But we’re willing to put all that on hold until the industry can get its act together and start blighting the landscape in the manner to which Alberta has become accustomed.”

“Our deserve to live in a world in which when they turn on a light or start their car, they know those actions hurt both themselves and every other living thing on Earth. It’s the Alberta way.”

In related , the has outlawed bicycles, just because they can.