OTTAWA – Lo, the heavens tremble and punish man for his hubris with a calamitous wave of scorching heat capable of rendering our souls from our body and casting them into the shadows of the Duat, according to a recent study by Environment Canada.
As Canadians across the country deal with a stifling heat wave, Environment Canada warns that the homeless, elderly, and heretical are at elevated risk, and should be monitored for signs of heat stroke and divine chastisement.
“Our foolish schemes to become unrivalled masters of the land have attracted Ra’s ire, and now His perfect judgement falls upon us. Refer to Appendix E for details,” the report continued.
“We are but the Cattle of Ra, and He sees fit to make us suffer under His yoke,” Minister of Environment and Climate Change Steven Guilbeault told reporters. “Repent! Repent and sacrifice, and we may yet be spared the worst of His terrible wrath.”
Guilbeault then vowed to follow Prime Minister Trudeau, Son of Ra, into the afterlife should the worst befall us.
Canadians, who like all humans are born of Ra’s tears and sweat, are doing their best to beat the heat and the irrefutable evidence that we are no longer a blessed people.
“I’ve spent a lot of time at the pool, and of course I’ve made the traditional offerings of myrrh and frankincense to He of the Horizon,” said Coleen Kirk of Winnipeg. “I also crushed, like, an entire box of fudgesicles.”
“Me and the boys in the local Ra cult are putting obelisks up all over the place to try making the head honcho happy again,” said Weyburn farmer Brad Witt. “But I think most Canadians will just have to tend to their crops and hope this whole divine hullabaloo tuckers itself out.”
Until Ra’s terrible vengeance is slaked, Environment Canada advises Canadians to wear sunscreen, stay hydrated, and offer the sun god their finest barley and oxen so He sees fit to deliver us succour.
