CALGARY – According to confidential sources, Jordan Sharpe* has poured himself a tall glass of summer eggnog, despite the risk of harsh judgement from friends and neighbours. (*name changed for his protection)
“Ah, I’ve earned this,” Sharpe said after cleaning the garage, wiping the sweat from his brow, and dusting his ‘nog with a sprinkle of cinnamon.
Sharpe, who keeps a secret eggnog stash in a fridge hidden behind a false wall, carefully checked to see if any neighbours were watching before he set up his lawn chair and kicked back with his eggy treat.
“It’s a hot day, and I’m drinking a cold beverage. I don’t see what the problem is,” Sharpe said, before dipping a freshly baked gingerbread man into his ‘nog. “But people can be cruel. I took a risk the other day and asked a friend I thought was open-minded if he wanted a rum and eggnog while we were watching the Jays game. The next thing I knew he was threatening to publicly denounce me. I got desperate and bribed him, but now I’ve lost a friend and my retirement savings.”
Only Sharpe’s wife and 6-year-old daughter know about his beverage heresy. Sources report that while they attempt to be supportive, his unorthodox tastes can be a source of shame and frustration. His wife refused to comment, but his daughter said, “When daddy gave me eggnog I asked if it was Christmas and he said no and then I cried.”
“Look, this is hard on me too,” Sharpe said. “I have to buy all this eggnog over the holidays and then carefully ration it. The grocery store clerks looked at me funny for buying 40 cartons on December 29th, and technically they’re all expired now. But it’s worth the risk for that sweet, sweet taste of summer ‘nog.”
At press time, a tipsy and sweaty Sharpe was sipping a peppermint eggnog martini in his underwear to stay cool while he prepared his annual “Thanksgiving in July” roast turkey dinner.