CALGARY – According to confidential sources, Jordan Sharpe* has poured himself a tall glass of summer eggnog, despite the risk of harsh judgement from friends and neighbours. (*name changed for h…
Tag: summer
Study: 97% of temporary insanity cases caused by those goddamned cicadas
EVERYWHERE, ALL AROUND YOU, ALL THE TIME ― A report conducted this summer by the University of Guelph has found that 97% of reported cases of temporary insanity in Canada are triggered exclusivel…
5 fun or cheap activities to make the most of summer, and yes, we did mean “or”
OTTAWA – The long weekend is coming up, and you’re seeking ways of maximizing your time while minimizing your expenses. But every listicle promising low-cost excitement disappoints you with…
Garage sale host far too willing to share which items belonged to dead wife
SASKATOON — This weekend Sutherland neighbourhood residents gathered at Ronald Keegan’s end-of-summer garage sale, only to find that Ronald is far too inclined to inform buyers which items were o…
Canadian man spends entire summer inventing excuses for why he can’t go camping
Stratford, ON – Local man Eric Morgenstern will once again be spending his summer thinking of reasons why he can’t join friends on their upcoming camping trips. “Life would be s…
Bringing back a classic: this year’s summer bop is Handel’s Messiah
TORONTO – As millions of Canadians go about their summer, the strains of George Frideric Handel’s Messiah are providing a backdrop to countless barbeques, pool parties, and weekends at the cabin.…
Man greets spring by swallowing mouthful of gnats
TORONTO, ON – After a long winter, local man Jonathan Pearce was looking forward to welcoming the spring weather yesterday with a celebratory bike ride on the Waterfront Trail. His exciteme…
4 tips for getting your body ready for tick season
MUSKOKA – As the weather gets warmer, it’s natural to feel a little vulnerable about showing extra skin, but it doesn’t have to be that way. Tina Fontina, entomologist and personal trainer, is he…
Report: you can still get drunk and enjoy day off without it being in honour of Canada
OTTAWA – A new report has found that, despite what the media and your uncle claim, it is still possible to get drunk and enjoy July 1st without it being in honour of the country responsible…
Inner thigh begins summer courtship with testicles
VANCOUVER — Onlookers at Cardero Park hoping to escape the record noon-day heat today were instead witness to something equally sweltering: watching intently as Kevin Shang’s left thigh solemnly …