ETOBICOKE, ON – As students head back to school across the province, Ontario is holding out hope for a coveted 100% on their symptomatic COVID-19 PCR tests.
“Of all the province-wide standardized testing practices, I think this is the one we really have a shot of acing,” said Rebecca Zhang, a teacher at Hillside Junior School. “My first graders are chewing on their masks in anticipation.”
A 100% COVID positivity rate could be a huge boon for the province, landing it on dozens of hugely exclusive international travel bans and WHO watchlists – important resume line items as Canada prepares to graduate from “semi-safe, COVID-responsible country” to “all-out anti-science bacchanalia of blood and death.”
Staff and students were thrilled when they discovered education minister Stephen Lecce had no intention of providing any school board with adequate HEPA filters, N95 ventilators, or even reduced class sizes – three key metrics that are sure to push the province closer to that coveted 100% positivity rate.
“It really takes the weight off of my shoulders, knowing the government is creating the superspreading events for me now,” a student at Martingrove C.I. said under the condition of anonymity. “I was already dealing with Omicron fatigue, so it was taking a lot out of me to find somebody new to French with under the bleachers every day after school.”
In addition to providing zero effective public health measures, the Ministry of Education is also furnishing teachers with an innovative “teach to the test” plan, under which teachers must devote a portion of their in-class learning to group coughing fits, nose-swabbing parties, and an educational game called “Everybody Come Get a Lick off This One Single Ice Cream Cone.”
The response from parents has been divided, but even those against the new test policy can see the upside.
“On one hand, I don’t want my kid to get sick,” parent Delphine Legault said. “But on the other hand, he’s never gotten 100% on anything. So that rapid test would look pretty nice on my fridge.”
And for those vehemently against remote learning, the 100% positivity target will provide a few precious days of in-class education.
“If my kid has to e-learn, he might as well do it from a hospital bed in the ICU at Mount Sinai,” said concerned mother of 2, Jane Pierce. “At least then he’s the overworked nurse’s problem, not mine. Heck, if we’re really lucky maybe his teacher will end up in the same ward!”
When reached for comment, Premier Doug Ford promised once schools had reached 100% positivity, he’d shift his focus to achieving the same score in the province’s long-term care facilities.