TORONTO – A popular night club has added a number of new COVID-19 safety measures to ensure patrons feel safe on their nights out, including a ban on men yelling while explaining their likely flawed understanding of different types of cryptocurrency.
“YOU EVER PLAY POKÉMON? IT’S EXACTLY THAT,” one man drunkenly yelled into a woman’s ear prior to the new rule’s implementation. “ONCE YOU CATCH ALL THE CRYPTOS, YOU BECOME SUPER RICH LIKE ELON MUSK.”
In addition to proof of vaccination and mandatory face coverings when not drinking, kissing, or puking, men are only allowed to explain cryptocurrency to women at a distance of six feet (or two metres) apart. In a statement from the night club, they say this new measure was put in place to “reduce the spread of droplets and misinformation”.
“We want to ensure all clubgoers are enjoying their time here,” explained the owners. “If we can keep our clubgoers safe from COVID-19 and stupid people, everyone’s going to have a much better time.”
Brandon, a self-proclaimed entrepreneur, is critical of the new rule. “It’s not fair at all what they’re doing,” Brandon explained in his dress shirt and polyester vest. “How am I supposed to impress girls with my knowledge of a mysterious concept only I really understand? Sure, I get all my facts from Instagram and Facebook, but when have they ever been wrong? I think going forward, I’m going to be spending my Friday nights at places where I can freely yell nonsense into girls’ ears.”
When asked if he could talk to girls in other ways, Brandon asked, “Like what? Ask about them? Girls don’t care about that stuff.”
However, women who enjoy Toronto’s nightlife scene have celebrated the new rules that have been implemented. “Honestly, it’s great. If a guy tries to talk to me about cryptocurrency from six feet away, I can just walk away and disappear into the crowd,” explained Judy, an avid clubgoer and victim of straight male small talk. “I’m so tired of men yelling so loud in my ear about bullshit that I can’t even hear the music. Oh and minimizing the spread of COVID-19 is cool too.”
Other topics the night club have banned men from yelling into girls’ ears include real estate, sports, and Joe Rogan.