TORONTO – Following a massive increase in COVID cases in Ontario, Premier Doug Ford has decided that the best way to defeat this unprecedented threat to human life is with an equally unprecedented threat to human rights in the form of a massive, province-wide increase in policing.
“It’s like that movie Alien vs. Predator,” Ford explained at a press conference today to announce his new measures. “When there are too many aliens, you send in a predator. When there’s too much COVID-19, you send in armed agents of the state to hassle people on the street.”
“Good thing we gave the police priority access to the vaccine before teachers and other essential workers, otherwise we’d have to get daycare attendants to hound people taking walks. Wouldn’t that be funny!”
While public health experts have urged Ford to stop skyrocketing infection rates by shutting down non-essential workplaces, enacting sick pay, and accepting more help from the federal government, Ford has instead decided to focus on stopping the non-existent transmission happening in parks and to encourage police harassment of marginalized communities.
“I want to assure Ontarians that, like all police actions, the new crackdown on people engaging in activities outside their homes will not be felt by those with nice homes,” Ford continued. “Unless the police feel that the person they’re stopping doesn’t belong in a neighbourhood with nice homes, then yes, you better have a good excuse for being on a public sidewalk or road.”
“And by a good excuse, I mean an excuse that the officer stopping you has decided to accept, otherwise you will be given a ticket. Or worse.”
Despite civil liberties groups calling the new police powers in Ontario unconstitutional, Ford is confident that future court challenges won’t have any effect on the police’s willingness to exercise these powers, because it never has before.
“Look, enhancing police powers was how Australia got their numbers down,” Ford said, right before stopping the press conference when asked if Australia did anything else to halt the spread of the virus.
At press time, a beleaguered and unpopular Jason Kenney was down on his knees thanking God that Doug Ford exists.