LOS ANGELES – A new live-action Harry Potter television show is reportedly in very early development at HBO Max, and while no producers, directors, writers or actors have yet been attached, Warner Bros. has confirmed that everyone staffed on the show, from the showrunner down to the caterer, will first have their genitalia personally vetted by Harry Potter creator J.K. Rowling.
“Policing the genitalia and gender identity of other people has become a passion project for J.K., and since she retains control of the Harry Potter franchise, if she wants to examine the private parts of the makeup artists, electricians, and truck drivers who will be helping us bring another chapter of her magical wizarding world to life, well, that’s only fair,” Warner Bros. said in a statement about the show.
Any adult working on the show for any length of time will be required to have their chromosomes tested, as well as turn over all of their medical files to Ms. Rowling. She will then either inspect their bodies in person, or, given that she will not be physically present for the entire production, over Zoom.
Minor performers will be exempted from the examination requirement, and merely have to show their chromosome test results, have their hormone levels checked weekly, and have an affidavit from a medical doctor describing the current status of their gonadal development.
The results of Rowling’s examination and the subsequent gender classification she will assign will be stated on a pink or blue badge everyone in the production will have to display at all times, including during filming, and which will also serve as keys to the bathrooms. The badges will be digitally removed during post.
“It’s about protecting people,” Rowling said in a statement explaining her new gential examination policy, which will be universally applied to every new Harry Potter project from now on. “I respect every trans person’s right to live any way that feels authentic and comfortable to them. But they need to respect my right to know exactly what’s going on in their pants and act on it if it makes me confused or uncomfortable.”
While she will not be heavily involved with writing the show, Rowling is working on creating several new species of magical creature that will be featured, including a Chinese demon who spreads mystical diseases and a subservient but aggressive subspecies of dark-skinned house elf from Africa whose name we can’t print because it’s the N-word.