OTTAWA – Following the UN decision to not give Canada the Security Council seat Justin Trudeau spent years campaigning for, Trudeau has responded by naming Bob Rae, the least exciting ambassador he could possibly come up with, as a form of retaliation.
“The best revenge may be living well, but forcing some who has wronged you to have to deal, day in and day out, with a bland white centrist in his 70s who has spent nearly half a century in Canadian politics is a close second,” Trudeau said as he announced his vengeful decision.
“I mean, sure, he was involved in some mildly exciting stuff 30 years ago when he was premier of… I wanna say Ontario? But that was a long time ago. And if there’s one thing no one wants to hear, it’s stories about decades-old Canadian provincial politics. I’ve ordered him to tell those stories to everyone he speaks to at the UN as a required part of his job.”
Trudeau said he considered naming someone highly irritating as Canada’s UN ambassador, but decided someone uninteresting was a better choice because an irritating person can cause those around them to band together in solidarity and even provide occasional levity, while there is no defence against a boring individual.
“Did you know Bob Rae was interim leader of the Liberals for two years? Even I didn’t know that, and I took over the job from him. When I told the UN he was our new ambassador, they thought I’d made up the name on the spur of the moment, like a Canadian version of George Glass,” Trudeau said, rubbing his hands together maliciously. “He’s perfect.”
“Those jerks think they can humiliate me? They’re about to experience all my spite wrapped up in a boomer white male package. My wrath has a colour, and that colour is beige, motherfuckers.”
When asked for a comment, Bob Rae was unable to respond because we kept forgetting who we were supposed to be contacting and wound up calling Dalton McGuinty.