MONTREAL – A confused and deleterious Martin Hastings was demanding people advise him where and when he was after being unconscious for a full half an hour. “We’re sharing a hotel room whil…
Tag: local man
“Who gives a shit about the CFL?” asks man who recently started watching professional Pickleball
TORONTO – Local man Mark Huntings has expressed his firm belief that the CFL is a niche league that no one actually cares about, unlike the massively popular Major League Pickleball he rece…
Man who hates Toronto worried Olivia Chow will ruin it
Oshawa, ON – Ever since Olivia Chow was sworn in as Toronto’s mayor local Durham resident and avowed Toronto hater Sean Buffett has repeatedly expressed his concerns that her leadersh…
Lonely man goes out looking like shit to ensure he runs into at least 3 people he knows
TORONTO – Feeling a bit lonely and without community local man Marcus Bailey has decided to go for a walk while looking absolutely terrible to guarantee he runs into several friends and acq…
Stabbed man who got hit by 3 cars then thrown off a bridge probably died from the vaccine
Windsor, ON – Local man Ryan Garner was pronounced dead this morning after being stabbed and hit by 3 cars in a row, the last of which knocked him off a 40 foot high bridge, making him just…
“You should totally have kids!” says friend who should not have had kids
Windsor, ON – Jacob Framer, a man who should never in a million years be allowed to care for young children, has recently been heard encouraging various friends and family members to procre…
Man who can’t afford to travel enters minute 25 of listening to friend’s airport horror story
TORONTO – Local man Eric Braiser is currently approaching the half-hour mark of politely listening to his friend Sarah talk about what a nightmare her recent flight out of Pearson was. R…
“Why are you still wearing a mask?” asks friend who’s had Covid 3 times
Oshawa, ON – Craig Batherson, your friend from intramural hockey who has gotten Covid nearly every time a new variant has developed, was surprised to see you wearing a mask. “You know…
Dad who always insists his family get to the airport six hours early grateful his time has come
Whitby, ON – Local father Winston Brown, who has always insisted his family arrive at Toronto Pearson airport no less than 6 hours before their flight’s scheduled departure time, took…
“If gas prices are hurting your wallet so bad, why don’t you just buy a $45,000.00 electric car?” asks very helpful friend
Timmins, ON – After you mentioned how gas prices were making it impossible for you to get by financially, your very helpful and knowledgeable friend Darren suggested buying an expensive ele…