TORONTO – In an effort to avoid another costly leadership race the Conservative party has decided to forego the traditional secret ranked ballot process and just have the dairy lobby tell them who Andrew Scheer’s replacement will be.
“We hope by streamlining the process we can show Canadians that we are a sensible, practical party that is ready to lead,” said Conservative Party of Canada President Scott Lamb. “Lead them wherever a bunch of milk companies tell us to.”
The method by which the dairy industry will choose the next leader has not been finalized. Some believe believe the process requires a little pomp and circumstance, like having all the candidates line up in front of the Dairy Lobby’s favourite cow. Whichever one she is looking at when she produces the most milk wins.
“Originally we thought we could have all the candidates milk her themselves, but then we realized that someone would be drinking a liquid that came into close contact with Pierre Poilievre and we nixed that idea,” said Milk Lobby representative Benjamin Hastings.
Others, like current disgraced leader Andrew Scheer think the whole thing should be done with a simple email from the lobby with subject line ‘FYI’.
“I know conservatives like nothing more than a long drawn out debates, where potential leaders explain how they would best fuck over the poor. But we just don’t have the resources for that – we have to really focus on our role as a completely powerless opposition.”
In unrelated news, all conservative leadership candidates have come forward to say that they would not deregulate the dairy industry.